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How To Vet Better While Dating?


In today's climate of dating it can be extremely exciting and challenging, yet the rise of online dating platforms are increasing the pool of potential partners, or even the illusion of options! It's even more imperative than ever to have a solid vetting process to ensure compatibility safety. and a sustainable healthy relationship potential..





Let's get into the meat and potatoes of how to vet better when it comes to dating:

1.) Being Aware Of Your Non-Negotiables:


When it comes to non negotiables, these are the things that you cannot enter into a relationship without, so it's extremely imperative to know what they are. Before you even begin the vetting process. You know because that means that you know exactly what you desire in a partnership. One of the best ways to go about. Knowing you're not negotiables and figuring them out. Can include things like creating a list of qualities and values that are imperative to you. Meaning things like honesty, reliability, ambition, stability, core-values and shared interests. When you have a clear veiw of what your non negotiables are, formulating a clear understanding. It's going to help filter through potential partners, who don't align with what you are manifesting or looking for!


If you enter into a relationship and you're not looking at those non negotiables first then you're setting yourself up for immediate failure in the vetting process, so make sure to always take that mental note to look at your list, adjust your list, but make sure you stand firm on the things that are non negotiable. They're not up for debate. If not you gonna regret it later!



2.) Identfying Trggers:



When it comes to overstanding, innerstanding and overerstanding your own personal triggers and boundaries is very important in the vetting process. It helps you to be aware of things that make you extremely uncomfortable or upset. With ths dscovery then you're able to effectively communicate these things with your potential partner. This will definitely assist you in your gauge in of their respect for your boundaries and their ability to engage with sensitive topics with you and how they're using their empathy or care.


The process of self evaluation. And awareness is extremely important. OK. When you take time to reflect on your past relationships and interactions and helps you to identify patterns, past experiences that have caused you emotional duress. 


         (a) Here are some questions below that you can ask yourself


  • What are some behaviors from my past partners and actions that upset me.

  • What topics or conversation is making me uncomfortable.

  • How do I typically respond when I feel triggered?

        (b) How to communicate your triggers:


   Effective and comprehensive communication is gonna play a major role when it comes to you communicating your triggers that you identify with your potential partner. By being very clear and assertive when expressing your boundaries, it will help you to explain the specific actions or topic that can trigger you and help you to set the foundation of a sustainable, healthy relationship. 


(c) Observing Their Response And Respect For Your Boundaries:


Now I'm not saying to "SNOOP" around or badger anyone, yet pay very close attention to how your potential partner responds to you. When you communicate your triggers and   boundaries it's important to note: that a respectable and empathetic person will listen to you attentively. By acknowledging your feelings and making the effort to avoid triggering you in situations. This person is not listening to you to respond to you. They're listening to you to understand you in that moment. Always remember when it effectbe and comprehensible communcaton."we have. Two ears on my mouth when it comes to. Talking and listening.


 Monitoring their behavior can help you to see how they behave in various situations if they actually really respect your boundaries and. avoids triggering you on purpose or out of spite. Now. When it comes to them being disrespectful towards your vulnerability or dismissive, It can definitely be a red flag showing you the lack of respect or empathy that they may have towards you.


 When it comes to understanding and cultivating. Respect for each others. Triggers and boundaries. It's crucial for maintaining a sustainable healthy relationship. If your potential partner is showing you that empathy, willingness to engage with you on balance with you when it comes to the things that make you feel triggered and your boundaries, it can be a really great indicator mutual respect and compatibility. .


3.) Check Their Online Presence:


As beings of the A.I and technology age, it's extremely imperative to check someone's online presence. there tonscan be valuable insights into their character and lifestyles. Taking time to check out their social media profile online and activities. Looking for red flags, inappropriate behavior, conflicting information, or history of controversial post,and just things you're not interested in being involved with.


     I'm not instructing you guys to go "STALK" people's profiles, look at their numbers of likes, and determine whether they're valuable or not, absolutely not! You can Google them easily, sex offenders lookup do a reverse search. 

 Just make sure that you are vetting to make sure they're a real person, that they have integrity both online and offline. And there's someone that you are not just wasting your time investing in.


4.) Trust Your Instincts, Not Your Insecurities:


   One of the most imperative parts of the vetting process is trusting your own instincts. Your intuition is definitely gonna provide you with insights into someone's character intentions, morals, principles, and also their compatibility when it comes to you. So let's get into the signs that you are trusting your instincts and how to do so and when you're not trusting in them. 

   

    When it comes to intuition, we can recognize it by the feelings or in the voices that provide us with that sense of unease, discomfort, possible excitement about a person, place, or thing, or even a situation.  The region of our brain that is associated with intuition is our "Anterior Insula, along with the Amygdala and the Ventral Medial Prefrontal Cortex. These specific areas are involved in processing emotions, risk management and intuition.  The "Anterior Insula" plays a crucial role in processing integrating emotional and bodily states, which can influence our intuitive responses to situations or people.


Our intuition is a complex cognitive process that involves subconscious information processing and can be influenced by past experiences, emotions, and learned patterns. Now, the exact neurological basis of intuition is still subject of research and debate, but many studies have shown that these brain regions play a significant role in intuitive decision making and gut feelings. 


(b.) Pay Attention to Physical Reactions:


When many people speak on their intuition, they speak about their physical reactions that they experience when the intuition is warning them. Here's a few common symptom, that you should pay attention to:

  • Nausea or unease

  • Firmness in your chest or stomach.

  • A sense of calm or relief.

  • Anxiousness. Or excitement.

Self reevaluation is extremely important when it comes to your feelings and reaction towards your potential partner. Here's a few more questions you can ask yourself:

  • How do the feelings that you have for your potential partner align with your non negotiables and expectations for a relationship with them?

  • What is actually causing these feelings of unease or excitement?

  • Are there any specific behaviors, actions, or conversation triggering these reactions? Is it my insecurities or my intuition?

Now, if you are unsure about your own instincts and to differentiate them from your securities, don't hesitate to seek more information to validate your feelings. It's important to not assume, project or come to your own conclusions. This is where effective and comprehensible communication comes into play. This is where you showcase your skills of vetting by asking clarifying questions and get to the bottom of any minute understandings, and it would definitely help you. To walk away, not feeling confused and trusting yourself. And also your potental partner after the clarity has been received.


5.) Take Your Time:


I know sometimes we get caught up in all those chemicals of the brain being blinded to love, like dopamine, noradrenaline, epinephrine. It's so easy to get caught up in those chemicals of the brain and want to rush the relationship. Not ask clarifying question,to find out the core values, to better understand things to ensure that this person may be a really great potential fit for you. Take as much time as you need to get to know the person and don't feel pressured to make commitments too soon. A longer vetting process spanning like 11 to 13 weeks or even longer can definitely help you to ensure you're making a well informed decision about a potential "sustainable healthy relationship .


6.) Meet Their Friends And Family:


Another very insightful way to get to know more about your potential partner, is to meet their friends and family. Pay attention to how they interact with their loved ones and how they're perceived while their loved ones. So this is definitely going to be extremely important in understanding their core-values, ideologies and their social skills as well. Different things can come into play when it comes to vetting for family and friends, location, things like that. But we are in a technological age. Again, please do not be "duped", please be very careful when it comes to this aspect of vetting. Thank you.


8.) Pay Attention To Consistency:


There's a few things that's needed for relationships that even have potential, and consistency is one of the number one things next to effective communication. Respect, trust and that compatibility, that consistency. Without it, you don't have nothing. Let me tell you something "if a person wants to be around you, they're going to prioritize you". Even if they had to move things around, they could spend time with you or just to simply talk to you or text you just to know that you're "OK"!! Please do not be fooled This is one of those things where if it's there, it's there, if it's not, it is not there.


9.) Trust Them, But Verify:


A great way to start a relationship off even just in the talking phase, getting to know someone "face to face". Is to literally start it off with that clean slate. But we cannot be foolish enough to not ask clarifying questions, make sure that we're being told the truth, because nowadays it's too easy to get mixed up in someone else's mess. So in order to stay out of the mess, hopefully we want to verify, trust is built on things like integrity, transparency, honesty. So it's crucial that you're building a relationship based on trustworthiness without it, you have nothing.


10.) Be Open and Honest About Your Expectations:


Last but not least, please don't ever backpedal or settle. Be very open and honest as you can about your expectations, boundaries and standards. You know that you feel needs to be met or that you require to be in the healthiest relationship possible with you! Effective and compehensible communication. is essential for having a sustainabl healthy relationships. So use your energy, Tthat inner wisdom. And cultivate your needs and desires openly.

Please keep in mind that when it comes to vetting, there's always gonna be someone telling you what you should, could, would, or how to do it. But using these simple steps can definitely prevent you from falling into someone else's trap or a situation that you don't want to be in ensuring that you are using. Your intuition, and not your insecurities, ensuring that you are asking clarifying questions and using effective and comprehensive communicaton will be the best thing that you can look into if you want to change how you have vetted previously, and desiring better for yourself, these are great tools to use.

Comment below and let me know what you think! Thank you so much for reading and stop pass again. Share. And use this article to open up conversations amongst yourself and your friends. Thank you.

Nicole Felman

NP,CPLC,CPEC,CPMLC

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